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How to make golf appeal to the kids

1. Make golf clubs more welcoming

Golf clubs are like any other kind of club except with less electronic dance music and more drugs, predominantly statins. But they can be intimidating to people who do not “fit in” – i.e. everyone in the human race who is not already in it. Making golf clubs more exclusive by limiting their membership to one member per club would allow any new golfers to feel at home right away. Many clubs could actually just double as that member’s primary residence for tax reasons, which is an area of some interest to golfers in general.

2. Speed up the sport

A round of golf can take up to four hours, which scientists say is coincidentally exactly four more hours than a teenager’s attention span can be held by golf. Instead of the tedious business of walking around a golf course and playing the golf shots, teens would download a small app off the Internet that would enable them to play some golf instantly. Wicked birdie shots, guy!

3. More instances of Tiger Woods

Because everybody loves him. Right?

4. Improved radical inclusivity

The winds of change are already blowing through golf like legendary golfer Hurricane Higgins going full mental on the greens. As recently as last year, the famous Royal and Ancient Golf Club voted to allow women to become members. That came a mere 260 years after the club was set up, so imagine what Rory McIlroy can achieve for the sport with just one slightly peeved interview after missing out on a TV award.

5. Embrace women’s lib

Not all golfers hate women! Some of them are in fact actually women themselves, which can be confusing for their scientifically weaker women brains (and explains why they are allowed to hit the ball off a shortened tee that is nearer the toilets in case they need to rush in for a nice womanly cry). Misogyny has also really caught on with young people following the success of Dapper Laughs, who is teaming up with top golfers for an awareness-raising hit TV sketch show ‘She Was Golfing For It’ on ITV2.

So, whether you are man, a woman or just golf-curious, now is the time to get involved.

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